I know I’ve been neglecting you of late, and I apologise. I made a commitment to post every day and I haven’t held up my end of the bargain. I’ve been dealing with some really complicated, confusing life stuff and I just haven’t had the headspace to knit, let alone blog about knitting.
Blog, when you were just a little website, did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up? Did you know from an early age that you would become a blog?
See, I’m a grown up already. I’m married, I have cats and bills and responsibilities and a real job and a degree. You can’t really get much more grown up (well, learning to drive would help, but I have my reasons on that front) without having kids and you know THAT isn’t gonna happen. But I still don’t know what I want to be, or even if that’s the right question to ask.
It all seems so clear when you’re little. You’ll go along, growing up and going to school, and one day something will click and you’ll suddenly say “this is it. this feels right. this is what I want to do for the rest of my life”. So I spent my high school and college years just sort of waiting for that to happen, for the clouds to part and heavenly light to shine down upon… something. Some career track that would be just perfect and I’d love it and be happy working for the rest of my life.
It’s a lie, blog. None of that is true for me. It never happened, and I’m starting to feel like it never will.
Everything I’ve done up til now has been just because it was the easy way. I went to college because I had help and support in doing that, and it seemed like it was expected. It seemed like what I was supposed to do, so I did. I got my helpdesk job because it was offered to me, not because I wanted it. I majored in Anthropology because it was just what I had taken classes in, so I wouldn’t have to struggle to graduate on time (much). I got my current job because it is, again, what was offered to me. No education or career choices I’ve made in the last, oh, five years have been because I really, really wanted whatever it was. It was just… easy. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
But then, blog, maybe I’m just not a “career” person, you know? Maybe I’m destined to switch jobs every few years, try different things, and never settle on just one path. But that is neither lucrative nor fulfilling… or it doesn’t seem like it would be, anyway.
This is keeping me up at night, blog. It’s bothering me more an more with every day that I don’t get off my butt and choose. Unfortunately, though I’ve come up with 5 or 6 options that I could probably handle and most likely enjoy, not one of them really screams “This is it! I am your perfect career track! I will make you happy long-term!” I just don’t know what to do, at this point. I keep wishing there was someone who would take me aside and say “look, I’ve thought it over, and this is what you should do.” but no one can make that kind of decision about my life but me. That’s the trouble with being a grown-up, blog… it’s all up to me.
And that’s terrifying.